I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
