That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
