at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
