We named our party play list daddy issues
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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