so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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