I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
