At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
