the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
