A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
