I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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