Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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