The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
