Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
