I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
