I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
