I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
