well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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