Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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