Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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