People in love make me want to vomit
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
