he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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