Tell her she can't have a vagina
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
