My hand turned me down
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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