your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
