I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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