I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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