man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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