I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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