woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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