in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I deserve this hangover.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
