I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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