there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
