I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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