i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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