i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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