I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
