Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
