i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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