We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
lol hangovers are for mortals.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
