forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
did i just pee glitter
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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