Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Randomize
