my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
