We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
