so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
