I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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