Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
