I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I want a musical about memes.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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