Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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