I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
