If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
