I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
